Kolonoscopy

A close family member recently was diagnosed with an illness, and their revelation was a wake up call for me to get myself checked. No one generally volunteers for a colonoscopy, usually not earlier than a doctor typically orders one, but it seemed prudent to get checked now. Having young daughters certainly was a consideration, and they were very curious to know what was going on when I could not eat dinner with them.

The prep was worse than the procedure.

For those of you youngsters that have never had a colonoscopy, the day and a half of no food, and enduring a liquid diet is surely bearable, but the moment you drink the 64 oz of Gatorade mixed with super mega colon blow powder, you and your ego go down the toilet. I am firmly convinced that colonoscopy prep is karma for every dumb thing I've done to a girl since I was a 5 year old. Somewhere, a young woman who's hair I must have pulled in 2nd grade is laughing at me as she reads this story...

A friend decided to send me a massive number of colonoscopy memes. If I laughed too hard, bad things could have happened...

My girls found this whole debacle hilarious. The extra giggles when mom described what dad had to do, and to get out of his way if he was running toward the restroom, caused the room to fill with child laughter. They were excited to make jello for me, and certainly found their way into my hard candy stash, two of the limited things I was able to eat during my 2 days of prep.

As my family drove me to the hospital for the test, I was asked why I had to go.
I was asked why I needed the test.
I was asked when I would get out of the hospital.
I was asked why they couldn't wait in the hospital room for me

That final question struck me. I didn't want my girls to see me sick or incapacitated. I was concerned they would be scared.

So off I sent my family as I waited with an IV in my arm and my rear end hanging out of an undersized gown, watching real housewives of orange county, which by the way, is disturbing enough to have cleaned my colon out by itself. Dr. Cold Hands came to visit, and explained the procedure to me. He asked why I was in at my young age, but certainly didn't offer to remove the IV for me. I was eventually wheeled into the procedure room, my first gurney ride that I remember. I had always pictured Dr. Gregory House and a slew of 7 doctors and nurses running with my gurney, and was slightly disappointed when my only nurse Nancy wouldn't speak medical talk for me and tell me in an urgent voice that I had an elongated medulla oblongata that required 24 cc's of something stat on the way to the room. She did not seem to find the humor in this.

When we got to the dark room of scoping, I was told to roll on my side into the fetal position, which made me quite nervous. I locked eyes with Nancy, and we shared a moment. In that moment, Nancy knew I was about to beg for clemency or anesthesia, she smiled and said gently,"Are you ok?"
I asked, "Anesthesia truck not deliver today?"
She laughed, and after a quick twitch of her wrist on the IV, she leaned in and said, "24 cc's of ..... stat!" I smiled, and the last thing I recall was her laugh.

Post procedure when I awoke in my room, I could hear giggling children outside the door. Dr. Cold Hands came in to speak to me and let me know I had the all clear and a 5 year return visit to schedule. My children came into the room with their mother, and immediately began to ask questions. Was I ok? Could I leave the hospital? Can they see the pictures?

They had no fear, no concerns, and I quickly realized it was not my place to keep my kids away. It was more important for them to know what was going on and feel free to ask questions. The ride home was filled with much wonder from the back seat, like when could I eat? What was the experience like? Did they still have to get out of the way if I was running to the bathroom?

So moral of the story, I have no idea if there is a moral here.

Just a suggestion, be nice to people, you never know when the kolonoscopy karma will come calling....