Kolonoscopy

A close family member recently was diagnosed with an illness, and their revelation was a wake up call for me to get myself checked. No one generally volunteers for a colonoscopy, usually not earlier than a doctor typically orders one, but it seemed prudent to get checked now. Having young daughters certainly was a consideration, and they were very curious to know what was going on when I could not eat dinner with them.

The prep was worse than the procedure.

For those of you youngsters that have never had a colonoscopy, the day and a half of no food, and enduring a liquid diet is surely bearable, but the moment you drink the 64 oz of Gatorade mixed with super mega colon blow powder, you and your ego go down the toilet. I am firmly convinced that colonoscopy prep is karma for every dumb thing I've done to a girl since I was a 5 year old. Somewhere, a young woman who's hair I must have pulled in 2nd grade is laughing at me as she reads this story...

A friend decided to send me a massive number of colonoscopy memes. If I laughed too hard, bad things could have happened...

My girls found this whole debacle hilarious. The extra giggles when mom described what dad had to do, and to get out of his way if he was running toward the restroom, caused the room to fill with child laughter. They were excited to make jello for me, and certainly found their way into my hard candy stash, two of the limited things I was able to eat during my 2 days of prep.

As my family drove me to the hospital for the test, I was asked why I had to go.
I was asked why I needed the test.
I was asked when I would get out of the hospital.
I was asked why they couldn't wait in the hospital room for me

That final question struck me. I didn't want my girls to see me sick or incapacitated. I was concerned they would be scared.

So off I sent my family as I waited with an IV in my arm and my rear end hanging out of an undersized gown, watching real housewives of orange county, which by the way, is disturbing enough to have cleaned my colon out by itself. Dr. Cold Hands came to visit, and explained the procedure to me. He asked why I was in at my young age, but certainly didn't offer to remove the IV for me. I was eventually wheeled into the procedure room, my first gurney ride that I remember. I had always pictured Dr. Gregory House and a slew of 7 doctors and nurses running with my gurney, and was slightly disappointed when my only nurse Nancy wouldn't speak medical talk for me and tell me in an urgent voice that I had an elongated medulla oblongata that required 24 cc's of something stat on the way to the room. She did not seem to find the humor in this.

When we got to the dark room of scoping, I was told to roll on my side into the fetal position, which made me quite nervous. I locked eyes with Nancy, and we shared a moment. In that moment, Nancy knew I was about to beg for clemency or anesthesia, she smiled and said gently,"Are you ok?"
I asked, "Anesthesia truck not deliver today?"
She laughed, and after a quick twitch of her wrist on the IV, she leaned in and said, "24 cc's of ..... stat!" I smiled, and the last thing I recall was her laugh.

Post procedure when I awoke in my room, I could hear giggling children outside the door. Dr. Cold Hands came in to speak to me and let me know I had the all clear and a 5 year return visit to schedule. My children came into the room with their mother, and immediately began to ask questions. Was I ok? Could I leave the hospital? Can they see the pictures?

They had no fear, no concerns, and I quickly realized it was not my place to keep my kids away. It was more important for them to know what was going on and feel free to ask questions. The ride home was filled with much wonder from the back seat, like when could I eat? What was the experience like? Did they still have to get out of the way if I was running to the bathroom?

So moral of the story, I have no idea if there is a moral here.

Just a suggestion, be nice to people, you never know when the kolonoscopy karma will come calling....

Vierauge

My oldest daughter doesn't know who Teddy Roosevelt is or what the heck "Vierauge" means. Both are foreign to her, and at the age of 7, I'm glad they are. If it weren't for one of them, the other may have hurt her feelings recently.

Recently, an insightful teacher at our daughters school noticed our oldest squinting from the back of class to read the smart board. She indicated that our daughter was having difficulty reading from a distance, and she suggested a vision check. At first, my wife and I thought perhaps this was simply one of the many unusual facial contortions that our daughter utilizes to communicate uncomfortable subjects like frustration, confusion, or bathroom needs. A quick chat with the squinter produced clarity, she didn't have to poop every time the smart board was used, she had difficulty reading some of the smaller words.

I recall when it was determined I needed glasses as a youth. I dreaded it. I didn't want it. I knew my social life, sports life, and image would forever be changed, and I feared then, it would never recover. I recall the perception of weakness when I wore rec specs to play sports, and remember vividly the excitement I experienced when I could finally afford laser surgery. I need only one example to explain my dread, the German term for "Four-Eyes" when I looked it up on line for the translation, used it in this sentence, "You just got pantsed in the schoolyard vierauge (four-eyes)"

According to the vision center of America, roughly 75% of all adults in this country utilize some form of vision correction. Eye glasses are the preferred method, with over 64% of those eye correctors choosing eyeglasses. In and of itself, the sheer amount of adult folks utilizing eye glasses should reduce the stigma of wearing them, there is safety in the schoolyard in numbers. But I still feared my daughter may find difficulty with having these spectacles. Critics hide in their own insecurities, and a father's teachings must end in his daughter's self esteem, which will win is a battle fought in a place we don't get to see.

Teddy Roosevelt is widely credited for increasing the popularity of glasses in the 1900's, and in particular, lending wisdom and strength to the image of those who may wear them in the future. Teddy also has some wonderful quotes, and one in particular I found relevant for this, "It behooves every man to remember that the work of the critic is of altogether secondary importance, and that in the end, progress is accomplished by the man who does things"

My daughter confidently choose 2 pair, the most unique of which titled "Hot Kiss" is aqua colored with a multi speckled tiger colored exterior finish that I'm sure would glow in the dark. They arrived early, and she could not wait to wear them to school. In complete contrast to my fears for her, she received support, encouragement, and the schoolyard was extremely kind. Frankly, I switched from worrying about how she would be accepted, to worrying how many times my daughter would try to lend them to someone else on the world tour of the glowing glasses.

I'm thankful for the acceptance, it sure makes reinforcing the self esteem a bit easier. Glad she did not have to learn "Vierauge" or get pantsed in the schoolyard for wearing glasses.

Enjoy

bvd