If you have ever attempted to "share" the feelings of a seven year old daughter as described above in the definition of empathy, it's a bit like riding a roller coaster with no seat belt while alternating between holding on and crying, or raising your arms and laughing till your stomach hurts. And I almost forgot to add, the roller coaster may be on fire or may be perfectly fine, you won't know for about 10-15 years after the ride if you did your job as the carney appropriately.
Yesterday, my wife and I shared a discussion with our 7 year old version of Clark Griswold on a coaster, and I learned in some of her frustrated words, I was not "able to understanding her feelings". Personally I thought this began at age 13 and lasted till the 20's, so perhaps, we are going to have this run a bit earlier, which means we will get this knocked out before high school? Or it could mean state fair is going to last an extra 7 years and I'm going to be buying a lot of popcorn for the show.
So I chose to run this discussion like we were excavating an Egyptian tomb, slowly and carefully.
Background:
We have three family rules for our kids in sports:
1. Look your coaches in the eyes, listen and say thank you after each practice or game
2. Give your best effort
3. Have fun
I watched a sporting event yesterday evening where it appeared my daughter was not having fun. Her coach asked her three times if she was hurt, and told her 7 times where she should be on the field and wasn't, as he was yelling her name sternly and clearly frustrated. This was her first year and game moving from the little field to the big field, and shifting from 4 players to 8 on a side, along with an age jump playing against kids 1-2 years older than her. So as the youngest player on the field, we had expected a rough transition, and certainly witnessed one. So my wife and I agreed I would drive her home.
I began the conversation as I always do, "Did you have fun?"
The answer was a mumbled maybe, clearly a "Hell No! Did you see me out there and hear my coach hollering my full name like I had broken a Ming Vase?", in my 7 year old's language of course.
So I asked, "What would you need to change for you to enjoy it?"
I received a shrug in the rear view mirror. Silence for a taylor swift song to finish....which seemed overly long by the way.
"Dad I was tired, I don't like all this running around on the large field, I should not have signed up for this sport when I knew about all the running"
Inside I was smiling, I'm not a huge running fan either kiddo, and not sure I'm ready yet for pop up chairs and over excited dad's on the sideline yelling "cross it" and "foul" at 7-9 year olds. But that was selfish of me, as would have been the decision she likely wanted to make. She became frustrated I did not understand her and she let me know it. I asked her if I could ask some questions to better understand her feelings. She said yes.
"All the other kids did the same running, so tired isn't an excuse for not listening or giving your best effort is it? Her answer was no. "Were you hurt?" Her answer was no. "Did your effort help your team?" Her answer was no. "Did you commit to play this year?" Her answer was yes.
"So what do you think you can do to make this more fun and help your team for the remainder of the year?" Her answer was definitive "Listen to my coach and give my best effort"
It's fair to say that the discussion was difficult for my daughter, she was uncomfortable at several points. I spent a few minutes sharing her feelings, and a few minutes where it felt as though she shared mine. The ride was our first addressing why she did not have fun in a sporting event, new ground for both of us.
I have zero idea whether this conversation was effective, for all I know, I could have taken the roller coaster off the tracks and set it on fire myself. But like most things difficult, they usually are worth doing. Either way, what a lesson for me as a parent on empathy and a lesson for her on commitment. I will learn in the future if the juice was worth the squeeze.
Enjoy!
bvd
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